Tuesday, 31 January 2012

VALENTINES DAY

Sixth form has been suffocating me, so that's why I have been absent for a while. But yeah whatever, follow me on twitter, become a member and all that shit. 
HERE WE GOOOOO..

Okay so that time of year is coming up; all the couples will be all loved up looking cute and shit, parading the streets showing off the love they have for each other. And then there’s you – the single one. Being the single one can suck balls sometimes. Who wouldn’t like to be wined and dined and receive a gift for no fucking reason other than it being a commercialised day for couples to rub our faces in absolute shit while we let women like Beyonce, who is happily married and probably celebrating valentines day herself, gas us single bitches up *takes deep breath*. Before I begin, I am NOT being bitter towards anyone that’s in a happy relationship and chooses to go out for valentines day, this isn’t even about you booboo. This is for my single bitches.

That leads me on to my next point – if you are single and are not doing anything for valentines day do not try and make the day shit for everyone else by coming with your depressing tweets looking like some bitter and unloved bitch that secretly wants to go out. Stop saying that valentines day isn’t real or shouldn’t be celebrated BECAUSE YOU’RE SINGLE. I know damn well that if you were in a relationship, you’d want to do something so stop being foolish. Valentines day is real, google it if you don’t believe me! So to the ladies that have a man, if you are planning to go out somewhere with him and your single friend tries to hit with you shit like ‘its chicks before dicks, come out with me or tries to do anything to make you feel guilty, straight up tell the lonely bitch to purchase a few cats and leave you the fuck alone!

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with doing nothing on valentines day. It is just another day in the year that you will spend at home, you’ve done it before. If it bothers you that much, watch a dvd or go out with your friends that are available. Don’t sit there and feel sorry for yourself because you haven’t got a boyfriend, you’re making a bigger deal of the day than the people that are actually in a relationship. And please ladies, do not go the extra mile and find yourself a boyfriend JUST FOR VALENTINES DAY. That is the most pathetic thing you could do.

Valentines day is not meant to make you feel like shit (even though it can, ahem), you’re supposed to appreciate those that you love being around you. That could be anyone – not just a boyfriend. I know it can feel a bit shitty seeing couples all loved up and you’re there watching Love and Basketball again by yourself, in your room, alone. But being single isn’t a big deal, it seriously isn’t. See it as a way of getting to know yourself better and reserving/preparing yourself for that special person to eventually come. You can’t allow someone else to love you without loving yourself first.

@_EBJA

Saturday, 7 January 2012

RELATIONSHIPS

Before I begin, can I ask you niggers to actually FOLLOW. Don’t read my shit, agree, laugh and come off it ya bastards. Thanks ;)

I have so much to say about this topic because it’s pretty complicated. Relationships can potentially be a beautiful thing because it should reflect two people in love and all that hippy, gay shit. But sometimes, it can go wrong and some can piss people who aren’t even in the damn relationship the fuck off.

Let’s acknowledge the moment where you’re looking for that special candidate to fill that sacred spot in your life (unless you are one of them fools that change your partner every shitting week). Most people need to stop looking for very elaborate features in people they’re not going to find or don’t exist. Some immature girls believe the stupid fairytales they watch on Disney or look towards these ‘celebrities’ and expect to find that in a society where people are looting from the pound shop.  They do not exist. Chris Brown doesn’t live in Peckham and you won’t find Prince Charming in Brixton. I’m sorry, that is the honest truth. Ladies, I’m not saying you should lower your standards because everyone deserves to be happy, but just be realistic. Can I also point out you stupid little girls that look for boys with 'swag' (snapbacks, skinny jeans, tattoos etc), will 'swag' still be there for you when he gets your materialistic self pregnant and leaves you so he can buy his new pair of Jordans so he can attract another stupid little girl? Will it pay bills? NO. You girls need to jump off this image thing. Fair enough you don't want to be with a guy that's still wearing the Reebok classics but it shouldn't put you off because he doesn't wear a snapback. That's pathetic. I can assure you that you WILL end up alone with nothing but your fantasy and silly illusion of what a 'relationship' is supposedly like. No one’s perfect, not everyone you meet will tick ALL the boxes – but if they tick most, be happy.

Let me start on the fellas. Guys stop looking for qualities that your mother has – why don’t you fuck her then? Sorry to say but you might not find that girl that’s going to tend to your every need and treat you like a damn child. You are grown and it’s a relationship, which essentially requires TWO people, not a parenting class. And guys quit bitching about girls that wear make-up. If she wears make-up and looks sexy as hell, be happy. Just because she wears make-up doesn’t make her ugly. If you’re all about that natural look, don’t do anything to your hair and let’s see what your ‘natural’ hairline is REALLY saying. Alright, cool. However, ladies if you are unable to show him how you look without the make up, you need to address this issue and ideally, you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you are that insecure.

Okay, so you have found someone and are now in a relationship. Great. Why does the world need to know every single detail about this? Are you having sex with the world too? Are you in a relationship with the earth? Do we really need to know how much you love your boo? Let me answer this for you, no. This applies mostly to the ladies because they’re usually the most expressive and emotional. If people know too much about your relationship, people WILL laugh at you when it ends or when you find out he was cheating on you because you were too busy writing statuses/tweeting the world about him to notice he wasn’t liking, retweeting or replying to anything you were saying.

Another common problem in relationships is that some guys aren’t very understanding of females. Yes, girls are complicated but if you can’t handle us, be gay. So we have mood swings sometimes and it may not be due to Aunty Flo paying her monthly visit either. Instead of having a bitch fit, why don’t you try and talk to her to see what’s wrong. Sometimes, girls just want someone to listen to all their problems. Not even fix them, just listen. However, ladies don’t use this as a fucking excuse to be a bitch. I’m not a fan of domestic violence but don’t talk crud and be slapping the man for no reason and not expect one sweet Mike Tyson connection to your face. 

Ladies, you need to have the basic attributes of a good girlfriend. Yes, this includes cooking. If you can’t cook at the age of at least 16, you need to stop looking for a man and start looking at some Jamie or Levi because it is unacceptable, it has to be said. Okay you don’t need to be a chef, but if you can’t cook basic food then your life is in need of a re-evaluation. No matter how good your vagina is, cooking is a necessity. Not even just for your man, but you just need to learn how to fucking cook. Fucks wrong with chu.

Surprise your other half too. Whether that be sexually, romantically, that is completely up to you. But you do not want your relationship to become a routine or predictable, that’s how things get boring and eyes and penises begin to wonder. Don’t do the usual go out to eat, go back to his house and watch a dvd (which eventually leads to sex). Do something FUN like go skydiving together or something (YOLO) lol. Anything! 

Lastly, the key to make any relationship work is communication. All you really need to do is talk. Don’t just be their boyfriend or girlfriend, be their FRIEND too. Their best friend to be precise. You’ll find that your relationship will be so much more enjoyable if you just talk. About anything and everything. Don’t be afraid to tell them your insecurities or be too open with themthey’re YOUR other half for a reason. Get to know each other, know what makes them happy, sad and whatever else. Because you’ll find that if you don’t know your man/woman you haven’t really got a relationship – just two people linking (or hooking up, whatever you wanna call it). And when in a relationship, put in 100 per cent, both of you. Because if you’re both putting in 100, nothing can go wrong can it? Don’t be with someone that would prefer to go raving than be with you or that plays mind games constantly or makes you feel like shit because they’re not making much of an effort. And if someone's not making much of an effort to stay with you, then they clearly don't want to be with you.  

@_EBJA

Monday, 2 January 2012

BAITHEADS

For some that do not know what this is, it’s someone that is well known. Some like to think of themselves as celebrities but they’re not, they’re just known by a lot of people.

What annoys me about baitheads? Most complain about being bait as if they did not get themselves in that situation in the first place. Whether you did something outrageous to get yourself out there or you just continued to accept all those random adds you received off facebook, YOU did something. No one scouted you and signed you up to The Kingdom of Baithead, you did it your damn self. I know of a few baitheads myself and the majority fuck me off. Some pretend they don’t know they are bait and when they ‘suddenly’ come to the realisation, they often ask shit like this;

‘Why are bare people watching me like I know them?’
‘Why is everyone chatting my name?’
‘OMG am I bait?’

You know the fucking answer, you rhino. And you LOVE the attention you’re receiving too. This mainly applies to the bait girls because they’re usually the most annoying. Don’t act like you’re not aware of the 1000+ friends you have on facebook or the 700+ people you have following you on twitter. I don’t even get the point in pretending, you just look stupid. You can’t expect to have a private life when that many people know you.  Some bait girls normally do stupid shit like expose a conversation that they are having with someone that is pussy begging and humiliate them so the world can see how ‘amazing’ they are and how regularly they receive attention like this. You look like a little bitch.

I know a few baitheads that like to hang out with other baitheads to maintain their status within The Kingdom of Baithead, because you know, it’s not as if everyone doesn’t know you already, but then you hang around with more baitheads just to ensure that we normal people, with normal private lives, are aware that you are bait. Because we could not tell already.

I cannot stand the baitheads that believe they are celebrities. You don’t have fans bitch, most of the people that know you either want to fuck you or just want to be in your business. So do not printscreen/screen munch the obscene amount of friend requests you have received and then complain about them when everyone knows full well that you will accept every single one of them or most of them to enhance your status. Nothing annoys me more than the stupid fuckers that actually treat these people like they’re some A-Listers. You do know they live a BUS journey away? They aren’t anything spectacular with your dick begging/pussy begging self. They love the fact that you are liking/commenting on all their photos and trying to talk to them constantly which leads to them believing that they are better than they actually are. They are normal fucking people that go to school/college/uni/work whatever. They may say that they are a ‘model’ because a few aspiring photographers take pictures of them, or say that they are a ‘singer/rapper’ because they have uploaded a few videos of themselves on YouTube but they aren’t. They aren’t anything spectacular. They are normal people.

If I’m honest, I feel sorry for these people. My closest friend is a baithead and when we go out, she gets stopped about every minute by people that know of her. It must be frustrating to have that many people know you, and that many people be in your business. I can imagine that being in a relationship is also hard because I personally don’t want to be with someone that everyone knows and have everyone up in our relationship, or have him cheat because of the amount of dick begging slut monkeys he attracts. Trust must be an issue.

What is actually so good about being bait? Because I know some people actually want to be, which I don’t understand. Are you sad? Do you not have any friends? Why would you want that.When you’re bait, rumours often circulate about you as well. With girls its normally along the lines of being a slag and with boys it can vary. If you aspire to be bait, then your life must be pretty shit. If you are bait and some of the things I said applies to you, re-evaluate your life (no seriously, do it).

@_EBJA