Saturday, 31 December 2011

WHAT GIRLS REALLY WANT

This came to my attention a while ago on Twitter when a lot of girls were saying the ten things they find attractive in a guy. A few people were being sarcastic so they could get a retweet, but most girls said similar things. I then concluded that all girls want a man with two main features – ambition and someone that can put her in her place. This goes for EVERY girl, including the ‘bad bitches’ and the girls that claim they don’t need no man. When looking for a partner, they are ideally looking for someone that can tell her hollering self to shut the fuck up or just give her a stare and let her know the deal. Don’t get me wrong, girls don’t want to fear their man, they just want someone that can handle them. No girl wants a bitch nigga.

A bitch nigga doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing with his life and can’t control shit. Yeah, girls like to take control of things sometimes but when she hands you the damn torch, nigga don’t drop it. A bitch nigga doesn’t know how to treat his girl and will probably agree with everything she says – that will be cute for a good month but after that, she’s going to want someone that can lay down the fucking law. And booboo, you can’t do it. If a girl can’t respect you, you won’t go far with your bitch nigga self.
A few people will be reading this and be like ‘wtf is she talking about, girls want a guy that does everything for her.’ And if you are thinking this, you are a bitch nigga. If you’re a girl and you are thinking this, you’re probably too young. Girls love AUTHORITY.

Us girls also love a man with ambition. If you are a hoodrat or one of them boys that make Youtube videos trying to get far with your rap career, I can safely say that for most girls, it doesn’t look good on your CV for a relationship. Little girls say they want a ‘bad boy’ that sells illegal substances in the neighbourhood or is in a gang. That isn’t someone you bring home to your family. And I’m sorry, I am not waiting for your bitch arse while you're dropping the soap waiting for Peter to give you the dick in prison. I am 17 years old, why am I gonna be waiting for you while your in prison? Did I give you the gun? Did I shoot someone? No. I am not doing shit. You Youtube gangsters confuse me also. How is it that you can afford to talk about the MAC-10 you’ve got in your house and you haven’t got a single GCSE or A Level. Really nigga? Really.

Girls look for other features in males also. You must be respectful to women. If you are trying spit your stupid ‘bars’ like ‘I love you babes una’ when we’ve been speaking for two weeks, you clearly want some vagina and you clearly don’t respect me if you think I’m stupid enough to fall for that. Or when approaching us you have the utter audacity to part your lips and shout ‘oi’ as if we’re different species. Some guys even take it one step further and ‘sss’ at a girl. I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was a python. I just can’t believe that guys do this and expect to get a nice reaction. And then when you get the reaction you deserve, which should be a fuck off ladies (if you girls give your number to these boys then you deserve one swift yam connected to your head), you then insult us. Because I am sure you are going to get my number now right? Foolish lizard.

A guy that can be romantic once in a while is quite nice also. I say once in a while because if you are buying me flowers every damn week I won’t be very happy, I’m not a fucking florist. Romance isn’t nandos either. You ghetto people need to calm down about you’re getting happy because he got you a ¼ chicken with his nandos card. Bitch please. But if you’re romantic once in a while, it’ll be a nice surprise and will be appreciated more. There’s nothing wrong with taking your girl out to dinner (NOT NANDOS, NIGLETS) for a nice change instead of cuddling up in bed watching a dvd which has become a regular routine in your relationship.

These are the main features girls look for in a guy. We’re not asking for too much are we (there’s more I just didn’t want to make this too long). Guys need to stop saying that girls are only interested in money and hood niggers because I can bet on anything that those relationships do not last. If they do, she’s a hoodrat. Girls are not as materialistic and stupid as some guys think. 

@_EBJA

Friday, 30 December 2011

BLACK GIRLS

Anyone that knows me, will know exactly how I feel without me even going into detail. I’m not being racist against my own race but it has to be said – some black girls are very annoying.

A typical black girl of today has a middle parting, wears bright pink/red lipstick, sometimes has outrageous coloured weave, converses and chinos (there’s more, I just can’t think of any atm). I’m not even saying there’s anything wrong with having any of these. But ladies please, if you wear/have two or more of those mentioned above, do not claim originality. What annoys me even more is that black girls bitch about other black girls that look and probably act the exact same as them. It’s so bad that I could go to some bait place like West End and see about a million of these black girls with the same uniform. It’s just frustrating.

It has to be said also, black girls are usually the most bitchy. If you walk past a group of ‘typical’ black girls, you can guarantee that they’ll be judging you for something. I really don’t want to say these things about my own race, but it has to be said. Not saying that other races don’t do these things because I know they do, but these black girls seem to think that they’re God’s gift to the earth. They walk around with their Brazilian weave thinking they run things, bitch please I can find your identical twin in a matter seconds, believe me. 
Black girls need to stop hating on light skinned/mixed race girls too. I’m not gonna lie, SOME light skinned people/mixed race people annoy me but I at least KNOW them before I pass judgement. Some of these black girls will see a girl/boy of a lighter complexion and immediately hate them. You look like a hater. Especially when the only reason you can come up with as to why you dislike the person is because they think they’re ‘too nice’. You don’t know them booboo, shut up.

The outrageous coloured weave needs to stop. I’m sorry but if you are not of a light complexion, you can’t be blonde. Sorry. And red might not be for you babygirl. I’m sorry. So stop it. Yeah you see Beyonce, Rihanna, Christina Milian and all these other girls that are LIGHTER THAN YOU with weave these colours but babe, YOU ARE NOT THEM. YOU NEVER WILL BE. Stick to 1B, you can still look sexy honey. And these girls that are dying their hair these colours/getting weave these colours are probably doing it so they can not look like a typical black girl, when in fact you do. It just seems as if black girls are trying to outdo each other in an attempt to be ‘original’. Is someone gonna come with fucking rainbow coloured weave? Its just IRRITATING. Black girls are too focussed on what other black girls are doing, just DO YOU. 
Same goes for the lipstick. I wear lipstick myself but it has to be a certain shade to suit my skin tone. I am not trying to be offensive in any way but dark skinned girls should ideally stay away from the light pink lipstick. It just brings attention to the darker tone of your skin (I’m not being horrible, black is beautiful – in all shades). You need to learn what suits your colour rather than trying to go a shade lighter than the black girl in your college.

I don’t know whether its because of insecurity issues as to why some of these black girls feel the need to do some of these things because they’re not happy within themselves or something but it needs to stop. It just seems like they’re all in competition with each other when in reality, no one’s really being themselves. And no, I’m not trying to insult black girls in the slightest because I’m a black girl, but it's about time that someone highlights the issues some black girls have.

@_EBJA

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

SKINNY BITCHES

Before I begin, let me just clear this up. I am not talking about the girls that have eating disorders or do anything extreme to be/stay skinny. Sorry booboo, I am not talking ‘bout chu.

I have had enough of some of the ‘thicker’ girls having so much to say about us skinny bitches. By skinny bitches I mean those that eat however much they want and just can’t seem to put on any noticeable weight. I have been through some trials and tribulations with my weight and I had a stage where I was not very happy with it. EVERYONE had something to say about my weight;

‘Omg, you’re soo small!’

‘Aren't you eating enough?’

‘Why are you so thin?’

BITCH, STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS I DON’T KNOW THE DAMN ANSWER TO. It got to a point where I decided that maybe I should eat more, possibly double of how much I already eat hoping that it’d make a difference. It didn’t. And as soon as I accepted that, I began wondering why people were so interested in the way I look in the fucking first place. Most of it were exaggerations because I wasn’t that skinny – heck I had titties. Bigger titties than most thick girls.

Us skinny bitches need to UNITE and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Fat people aren’t the only ones that deal with abuse. No thickems, skinny people get it too! I know some of you girls are secretly envious of the fact that we don’t need to go to the gym and sweat out that Big Mac. It’s not our fault, UNDERSTAND THIS. There’s NOTHING we can do and NOTHING we can eat that’ll make a difference. Accept it! Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not turning this into a hate-thick-girls campaign, I love you thick bitches! I just despise you thick bitches that pick on the skinny ones!

The media isn’t making it any easier for us guys either. With people like Nicki Minaj, J.Lo and Beyonce that are basically saying ‘HEY SKINNY BITCH, LOOK AT MY VOLUPTUOUS CURVES!’ it can make a girl feel slightly insecure about her appearance. Don’t be. Learn to accept yourself, not even just the slim girls, because in reality, there’s not much you can do about the way you look. Once you begin to love yourself, you’ll find that life is much easier and fun. #YOLO (I joke, I joke)
@_EBJA

Monday, 26 December 2011

SWAG

Seeing this word alone upsets my womb. People have anally raped this term so much that its lost all meaning. Let me clear this up now – ‘swag’ can not be defined by clothing. Wanna know why? Huh? I’ll tell you. Because any dickhead can buy a pair of vans, chinos and snapbacks – does that mean they have swag? If swag was defined by clothes, nearly everyone would have it and let me tell you from now, most of you do not. You’re all clones of each other. No one wakes up and decides they want to wear something by themselves, sorry that’s the truth. Your perception of fashion is influenced by something (whether that be the media, some fly bitch/guy you’ve seen on the street or whatever).

People also seem to think that swag is getting a few tattoos and reciting Tyler the creator lyrics everywhere. 
Tattoos for one, annoy me. People are getting big arse tattoos/sleeves and then thinking they look cool? I have nothing against tattoos but when you are getting sleeves for no reason other than because other people are doing them, then you’re a straight yam. Pounded yam. I know I sound like some killjoy but someone needs to have some damn sense: when you are old and wrinkly, how cool will you be looking then huh? With your skin flapping down to your ankles. You think your gonna look cute while some young guy is wiping your arse after you shat yourself in a home, cos you got tattoos all over your liver spots HUH?! No booboo, you’re gonna look NASTY.
Tyler the creator scares me. Genuinely scares me. When I saw one of his lyrics which states; ‘rape a pregnant bitch then tell my friends I had a threesome’, I realised he wasn’t my cup of tea. In reality, he shouldn’t be anyones cup of tea (or cup for that matter) if he is talking about rape. If I’m honest, I believe that anyone that claims they ‘love’ Tyler the creator are potential rapists/murderers or attention seekers. Either way, I’d like to avoid you.

The correct definition of swag (well my definition) is how you present yourself as a person. You can LOOK fly in your chinos and vans but if you haven’t got the swag to compliment that, you aint shit honeybuns. Swag isn’t how you look because people rate Jay-Z and Rick Ross and they’re not very pleasing to the eye, and they still have SWAG. Clothing is like an accessory to swag – you find out who you are (sounds kinda moist, #ImStillABadmanSoItsNothing), gain some confidence and find clothes that suit your personality to then ENHANCE the swag you have. So rather than looking at other people, COPYING what they wear (and attempting to pull it off then terribly failing), why don’t you grow some balls and find out what actually suits you, even if you look like shit (look at Whoopi, she’s not very fortunate but that bitch knows how to work with what she has). Stop worrying about what other people are doing/wearing and focus on you – you’re not sharing YOUR life and neither are they sharing theirs.

@_EBJA.

'Me Eating Out My Girl' - Response

There has been a lot of 'exposing' pics of random guys eating out their girlfriends/links etc. But when I came across this, I must admit that it just perplexed me. This guy, while in mid-lick, has been photographed eating his girlfriend. I saw the picture and my face was literally like this > -__-. What respect do you have for your girlfriend if you are casually flaunting her vagina out for other people to see. Better yet, what respect do you have for your damn relationship?! Your relationship is YOURS for a reason; you keep it BETWEEN EACH OTHER. If you want to take a picture of you and your lover being ‘expressive’ to say the least, keep it between yourselves. Unless your a pissing pornstar, don’t broadcast such sexual acts to the universe (well twitter but you get me init.)

I found the guys twitter and he was trying to justify his actions by saying its my girl, idgafTHAT IS PRECISELY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT YOU DICKWARD. I personally believe that it was done for attention and although I am aware that I am giving them the attention they are seeking, I don’t really give a flying yam. I don’t have a problem with people being open about their sex life, but there is a difference between being open and EXPOSING YOURSELF. And what you just did cupcake, was expose yourself! Give yourself a round of applause, TWO YAMS FOR YOU!! Clown.

And sorry BUTTERCUP, but your man could not have been giving you some goodness if you are worried about taking a fucking picture. Because I know he could not have been concentrating properly if his focus is on his pose. I’m guessing (hoping rather, unless the guy can’t eat out for shit) that she took several pictures before she took the final one - how do you have time to be taking snaps of him doing the job when you’re meant to be having a wet party in your vagina – either way, he cannot eat out for shit. Eating vagina needs DEDICATION, which you clearly was not giving.

@_EBJA.
[note: for those who have not seen the picture, the guy has deleted it unfortunately. Just use your imagination.]